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By Phil Parker Do Dip E Hyp Psyc CMPNLP
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"Should."
Here's another word to cross out
from your dictionary.
1. This little beauty is often used to mean,
"it ought to be" or "it's supposed to be" and focuses on
how things were really meant to be different than the way they actually are.
Demanding an alternate
reality to the one you've actually got e.g." They should be on time,
what's the matter with them!?" is a great way to feel annoyed frustrated,
and it's really a kind of grown up version of "it's just not fair".
We often apply it others:
"They should do more housework"
"They shouldn't work so
slowly"
and when we use it in this way,
it works very well as a way of blaming and patronising others, and implicitly
suggests that there is a right and wrong, and that they are, of course, in the
wrong! Perfect for ensuring disputes and conflict.
We can also apply it ourselves
"I should have eaten less cake" or " I shouldn't have said
that".
Here it's used in the past tense, referring
to something that's already happened, and we're not that good at changing
events that have already been and gone. So rather than being insightful it
provides us with a quick route to self blame, beating ourselves up and
generally feeling less good about ourselves.
2: A "Should" can also be used as
an "I must". When used like this it often has that implicit sense of
duty, of doing something you don't really want to and has at least a hint of
hard work.
#1"I must visit them this holiday"
"I must get to work on time"
If the should is combined with
"really" as in " I really should" it gives you a very
strong sense that you've tried in the past and failed, and that you're probably
not going to achieve it this time either.
#2"I really must get some
exercise"
Antidotes to "Shoulds"
1: When a "should" is used as
"it ought to be some other way than it is".
Ask yourself, "What would work in the
future to make this situation turn out better?"
From the example above," They should be on time, what's the matter with
them!?"
If you then ask yourself "
What would work in the future to make
this situation turn out better?"
Your answer might be "I'll stress to
them how important it is to be on time for the restaurant booking", or
"I'll ask them to come 15 minutes early" or " I'll choose
someone else to go with", or something else.
Then you can move on from being frustrated
with the way things turned out this time, knowing you'll do it differently next
time. After all, being frustrated doesn't make them turn up any earlier but it
does allow time to stretch so that that wait seems like hours instead of minutes.
2: When the "should" is used as a
"I must"
example #1 "I must visit them this
holiday"
ask "according to whom?"
or example #2 " I really must get some
exercise"
ask "what am I going to do to make it
happen?"
You really should try it ;-}
Phil Parker's latest book is
Ten Questions
The handbook for self coaching
"In this concise and
engaging manual Dr. Phil Parker manages to deliver the key elements for
creating change and managing the challenges of business and personal life.
The genius idea of this book is
that it transforms these change concepts into simple, understandable,
practical, universal Questions.
I highly recommend this book to
everyone interested in personal and professional development and success."
Steve Andreas, Author, trainer
and NLP pioneer
For information on how to order
the book '10 Questions' http://www.philparker.org/