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By Phil Parker Do Dip E Hyp Psyc CMPNLP

The following is taken from Phil Parker's forthcoming book

 "10 Questions that will change your world".

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Phrases that cost you money, time and energy.

This month we'll be looking at some familiar, but redundant, behaviour patterns. They originate from our childhood and as kids most of us will have used these kinds of behaviour patterns, together with their familiar catch phrases.

Unfortunately, even though they no longer have much use, our friends, our colleagues and, yes, even ourselves, will find these old phrases still automatically cropping up in certain situations, haunting us and spoiling our chances of fun, satisfaction and success.

We'll focus your attention on phrase #1 so that you can spot it easily, and begin to avoid its contagious consequences, both at the office and at home.

 

#1 "I don't know."

Ever said this?

This one is a real sneaky phrase, and it's usually used inappropriately and is disaster waiting to happen.

It seems such a genuine sentiment:

 " You know, I've really thought long and hard about and I really just don't know", but it's really a snake in the grass.

Genuine usage.

It should be only used when someone doesn't have access to information.

"What is the capital of Afghanistan?"

"I don't know".

In this case it's a completely reasonable response. If you wanted to help the person find out you might then say " ..but I can look it up" (it's Kabul by the way).

 

Inappropriate usage.

But most of us use " I don't know" as a way of not answering questions, which we

• either do know the answers to and don't want to say for all sorts of reasons,

E.g." What shall we do tonight?"

"Oh, I don't know."

In this case it may mean, "I know what I want to do, but I'm afraid that if I say it you might think it's not very cool, then I'll look stupid and get embarrassed"

• or can't be bothered to answer

E.g "What shall we do tonight?"

"Oh, I don't know."

In this case it may mean," It's too much effort to answer"

 

• or think it's too hard to find the answer.

E.g "What shall we do tonight?"

"Oh, I don't know."

In this case it may mean," I can't face going through the stress involved in deciding"

 

Above all it's a fantastic way to avoid taking responsibility and to try and make someone else come up with the answers for you.

 

 

 

The trouble is the other person begins to get a bit annoyed with your lack of contribution, enthusiasm, sense of purpose and the fact that they have to choose all the time (and that you're never happy with their choice). And you find that you never really get what you want, because you never tell anyone clearly what you wanted.

Ban this phrase right now, or if you do use it follow it up with

"but I'll find out" or

"give me a few minutes and I'll decide" etc.

 

In the office.

In a business context this phrase is a killer, if you use it you will be written off as dead wood.

"Phil, what do you think we should do about the Denver contract?"

"I just don't know."

 

"Phil can you have this project report finished by Friday"

"I just don't know."

 

"Phil, it's Friday, where's that project report"

"I just don't know." Or

 

" I really tried to get the computer to work but I just don't know how to do spreadsheets with graphical inserts" or

 

" I just don't know how it didn't get finished on time"

 

 

Phil, pick up the phone and start looking for a new job right now.

 

In less obvious workplace contexts it's still a killer,

" Where shall we go on the office night out?"

 "I don't know"

or

"Will you come to the office night? "

"I don't know"

 

This marks you out as being unclear and indecisive. People will be less likely to consult you about decisions, or consider you as an important force in the organisation. This is definitely not one of seven the habits of highly effective people (see Steven Covey's The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People - Making decisions is one of those habits).

 

There is a way to coach a colleague out of this mind set, but this is beyond the scope of this article (see "10 Questions that will change your world", obviously!), for the moment just make sure that you aren't that kind of colleague that needs coaching by avoiding the #1 phrase that costs!

Let's start a campaign against this seemingly innocuous but poisonous phrase, and petition for its removal from the English language of adults.

What do you say?

What do you mean, you don't know?!

© Phil Parker

Phil Parker is based in London and works throughout the UK and Europe as a keynote speaker, executive coach, trainer, hypnotherapist, osteopath and healer. You can contact him at phil@hyp.no.com and visit the Communication and Change Consultancy at www.hyp.no.com to discover how they can help you and your organisation become everything you can be.

Phil Parker's latest book is

Ten Questions

that will change the world

·        A dynamic new approach to achieving real and lasting success in your relationships, work environment, creative endeavours and just about every other aspect of your life.

·        Built around a powerful yet simple to use system, which guides you step by step through the process of discovering the world's most potent Questions.

·        These questions are some of the most powerful tools on the planet, collected from many of the major teachings in personal and spiritual development, business and hostage negotiation, psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, NLP and precision communication; they are the cutting edge technology of personal mastery.

·        Knowing what these Ten Questions are, and discovering precisely how and when to use them will create extraordinary easy transformations in your life and change your world.

The author Phil Parker is internationally renown lecturer, therapist and innovator in the field of personal development; his training as a Hypnotherapist, Conflict negotiator, Certified master practitioner of NLP, Osteopath and Healer give this book a unique perspective which provides new solutions to meet the challenges and opportunities of life in the 21^st century.

For information on how to pre order the book "10 Questions that will change the world", mail bookemdanno@hyp.no.com