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By Phil Parker Do Dip E Hyp Psyc CMPNLP
The following is taken from Phil Parker’s forthcoming book “10 Questions that will change the world”.
One of the most powerful understandings you can have in helping yourself, others and your business to become more successful is that the key to achieving things is not to seek advice but to ask the right questions.
As you read this some of you might be thinking “Questions? Surely I want answers not questions.”
Whilst this is a reasonable request, it will come as no surprise to some of you that the most important thing I’ve learnt from over a decade of working in this field is
providing solutions, advice, suggestions or answers doesn’t really help.
Why answers don’t help much
Q; should I marry that girl?
Advice: No, I don’t find her attractive.
How useful is my advice there?
Giving you answers makes you more dependent on others and less in touch with what’s right for you.
If instead we recognise that you already have the answers to your problems inside you, helping you discover those answers not only finds you the perfect solution, but also trains you to sort out different kinds of problems in the future.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to fish, and he feeds himself forever.
This is why we say the way to sort out problems is not to be given the answers but to know what the questions are.
Creating solutions yourself allows you to be more independent and skilled at finding and making the right decisions for yourself.
I’ve got enough questions already.
Any old questions will not provide the answers. Ten Questions leads you clearly through the process of learning to ask
This is the real skill of this process.
These questions are some of the most powerful tools on the planet, collected from many of the major teachings in personal and spiritual development, business and hostage negotiation, psychotherapy and hypnotherapy and precision communication; they are the cutting edge technology of personal mastery, prepare to amaze yourself, as you unleash your power.
One last point, when you’ve asked the questions and discovered the solution, you must then do something about it. Can you recognise what self help books, diets and gym memberships, have in common?
Question #1
Not "Why?", but "How can?".
We’ve been so well trained to ask the “Why?” question, that we often ask it unthinkingly. Let’s find out how useful it is.
Here are some blocks to success and happiness that we’ve probably all come across at some time or other. Imagine someone has just said these statements to you. Ask “Why?” to each of these and see what results you get.
I just don’t love you anymore.
You’ve failed your assessment
We haven’t given you the job.
I’m depressed.
We can see the “why?” question has a very limited usefulness; sometimes it will get us some vital information, like why we failed our assessment, but more often it will get “stories” like “I don’t love you because…?” or “I’m depressed because?” answer, or “I don’t know”. These stories rarely help to find solutions. “Why?” is an attempt to find out where it all went wrong, to identify the cause of the problem; but knowing the cause of a problem often doesn’t provide you automatically with a solution. Finding out why your car has stopped working doesn’t make it automatically start working again.
"Why?" also tends to focus on fault finding and blaming. Assigning blame and fault finding are great ways to create more conflict,divert your attention from what's really important,and increase stuckness and inertia.
Which brings us to the real question #1, which is “How can?”
Whilst the “why?” question thinks about the problem further and focuses on the past =>“why are you depressed?” the “How can?” question considers the future and the solution=> “How can I help you to get over this depression”?
Asking the right question is vital here. What is the How can question that should replace the “why don’t you love me?” one? Is it “How can I make you love me?” or “ how can we sort this out?” or is it ”How can I make my next relationship work better?” These are issues of responsibility and clarity (and, yes you’ve guessed it, they are another of the key Ten Questions)
Compare the results of why and how for each statement.
Why don’t you love me? How can we move on from this?
Why have I failed my assessment? How can I improve my performance?
Why haven’t you given me the job? How can I get the job/ a job I want?
Why are you depressed? How can I help you to get over this depression?
Notice that the "how can" answers enable you to make a difference.
“Why?” questions produce information about beliefs and opinions as to the cause of something, they focus on the problem and the past
“How can?” questions are about direct solutions, they focus on the future and the possibilities for action
Use the “why?” questions very sparingly, as they tend to produce large amounts of not very useful information that will confuse the situation and reiterate the problem.
Ask yourself before asking “why?” what kind of useful information is this going to give me; if all you're going to get is a chance to assign blame or to hear a story referring to events that have already passed, then don't bother asking it!
Why =LOOP.
Use the “how can?” questions to create opportunity and find way out of a stuck situation. How can =breaks the loop.
Ask yourself how can I use this to resolve that stuck issue I have?
© Phil Parker
For information on how to pre order the book “10 Questions that will change the world”, mail bookemdanno@hyp.no.com
Phil Parker is based in London and works throughout the UK and Europe as a keynote speaker, executive coach, trainer, hypnotherapist, osteopath and healer. You can contact him at phil@hyp.no.com and visit the Communication and Change Consultancy at www.hyp.no.com to discover how they can help you and your organisation can become everything you can be.