Auto Mentor-expert coaching at your fingertips
By Phil Parker Do Dip E Hyp Psyc CMPNLP
Who do you know who could benefit from you being an even more effective coach?
Our subscription list is just growing and growing thanks to you; thanks for telling you friends and passing it around- they can join by mailing yes!@hyp.no.com.
If you've received this by mistake please email us, we've had some database problems recently, so please accept our apologies.
Feedback.
Feedback is a fantastically useful concept in all areas of life, but unfortunately
in recent times this word has been so overused that it's whole meaning has changed.
So that now when someone mentions that "they're going to give you some
feedback" what do you hear?
It's probably something like "oh-oh, what have I've done wrong" or
"here comes some kind of criticism"-and you're usually right. Most
people apparently delivering feedback are just criticising and wanting to point
out your failures.
In this article we will explore both how you can make sure you're not one of
'them' and how to deal with their 'feedback' in the most useful way possible.
The thyroid gland is a bit like the gas pedal in your car, it produces thyroxin, which is a bit like the gasoline that goes into the car's engine. The amount of thyroxin in the blood determines the speed at which the cells work in the same way that the amount of fuel going into the engine determines how fast the engine goes
The amount of thyroxin in the blood is closely monitored so if it falls to below a certain level it triggers more thyroxin production. If however the thyroxin hasn't been used up by the body then its levels will begin to rise and the monitoring system responds by closing down thyroxin production. This is called negative feedback, where a stronger signal (increased levels of thyroxin) halts further production of that signal by the system, but a weaker signal causes increased production.
Jimmi Hendrix was a master of positive
feedback. Here a signal (the note from his guitar) is fed into his amplifier.
This creates the loud guitar note. This loud guitar note is then picked up by
the microphones (called pick ups) on the guitar, which send the loud guitar
note back into the amplifier, which amplifies if again, creating a louder note,
and round and round it goes. He can have left the stage by now and the guitar
note will still be ringing, louder and louder. In fact it will continue forever,
until the input (unplug the guitar) or output (turn off the amplifier) is disrupted.
Arguments are a good example of positive feedback, where a stronger signal will
produce a stronger response, and where the argument can quite easily grow to
become about all sorts of other things than the issue that it started about;
it can even be about the way that you argue " you always bring that up
don't you……"
Criticism often works as a positive feedback system, making workers with problems
even more problematic as a result of the critical intervention.
Feedback should be more like the negative feedback system described above, where
the feedback actually creates a change in the actions which prompted the feedback
in the first place.
Real life examples will make this clearer…
Here's an exercise for you.
Consider a time when you're received feedback and a time when you got criticism.
Assume we mean that the criticism will seem negative and the feedback constructive.
What do you recognise was the difference?
Scroll down to see if you agree with our findings.
· That you knew they were giving you feedback because they really cared
and wanted the best for you.
· And with the criticism was it just dumping and damning?
· That they had considered you and knew you well enough to know how to
pitch it right for you?
· And was it true that the criticism didn't consider how to make it most
motivational for you?
· Did you had a powerful, positive history with them, and so treated
their comments with respect?
· And with the criticism was it true that you weren't certain of their
motives, and had had a less valuable relationship with them in the past?
The elements outlined above are the
main features we have found in individuals who excel at delivering feedback
rather than criticism. When broken down like this, the way forward to ensure
you join their ranks becomes more obvious, to deliver feedback rather than criticism
you must:
Make clear your intention- this can be done
just by having a very strong and valuable relationship with them, but of course
this is not always possible, in other situations it will depend entirely on
your ability to communicate your intention to them very, very clearly.
Consider how they could see this information as really
valuable- If you can gauge it right and recognise what kind of things
motivate them, you can explain how your feedback will directly lead to the attainment
of the goals that are really important for them. You could also highlight how
it will also help them to avoid those things they want less of in their life,
although this needs to be done with sensitivity and tact, to avoid them feeling
like they are been told off, or even worse, manipulated or sold something!
Create a valued relationship with them-
This can make all the difference, and is well worth the time it can take to
develop. Any team (in business, sports, family, the military etc) will excel
or fail depending the kind of relationship the team members have to each other.
It is difficult to see any relationship as not part of a team of some sort.
These points above are part of a
process called 'framing'-
· the frame influences how we see the picture
· the Gucci spectacle frames influence what we think of the person wearing
them
· the quality of the paper of a brochure influences how we feel about
the product.
Two quick stories about framing.
1 I was waiting to board a train, when a businessman in a smart suit stopped
me and asked me for help. He was bit flustered as he'd just discovered he'd
either left his wallet on a bus or it had been stolen. Luckily he'd got some
cash that he'd found in his briefcase, but he was still $3 short from being
able to buy a ticket home. He knew it was a bit of a cheek to ask but wondered
if I'd be willing to loan it to him, he felt very embarrassed about it, and
asked if he could take my address so he could send it on to me when he returned
home. Of course I could help, and I did. He was very grateful, and apologetic
for bothering me.
A few minutes later I began to wonder about my encounter, I rarely give money to drunks who beg in the streets, but there I was giving money to someone I'd never met before. I never found out if he was for real or not, as I hadn't even bothered giving him my address for such a small sum to be returned, but I recognised the power of framing in action. If you want to get money out of people that's one way to do it!
2 Charlie was a realty agent. We shared a love of convertible cars. He loved
his BMW with the top down. "There's two reasons for having this car"
he said "one is because I love it, the other is, when I drive a client
to a property in it they already know that I'm going to be asking a fairly large
amount of money for it, just because of the car I drive. Because they're already
prepared for that, they seem to take it in their stride very easily when we
discuss numbers."
Once you've delivered your "feedback" and it's been received as "criticism" it takes a lot of effort to get them to se it as "feedback" again. Always frame before starting your feedback rather than having to back pedal and re-establish trust after blowing it!
The same ideas apply to receiving feedback or criticism. We may be unfortunate
enough to managed by less able communicators than ourselves. In this scenario
we need to be ones who are framing the experience.
Follow this strategy;
"Panning gold from the muddy waters"
1 Recall a time when you last got some information that wasn't entirely to your
liking, but because of its importance and the source it had come from, you dealt
with it by recognising its value? This is the 'state' of being open to feedback
2 Think of a word, image or feeling that conjures up that 'state'.
3 Get in touch with the feelings that come with that state.
4 You're now ready to hear the "feedback" and to be able to make some
use of it
5 Ask yourself as you go through the feedback "What can I learn from this
that's useful for my goals?"
6 If you're getting the feedback directly you could ask a question clarifying
their intention (e.g." What is it that you want for me through giving this
feedback?"). Assume that there is a positive drive behind them giving you
feedback, it's rare that people will give you bad feedback to make you more
difficult to manage and less effective in your work.
7 Create a joint plan of action based
on the feedback.
· What I will do
· What can you do to assist me in this change?
This helps it to become more about making the team work better than you having
problems.
As a final thought consider a group I once worked with. They received some feedback
from their customers. They looked at it and said, "This feedback is wrong."
Can feedback ever be wrong?
Phil Parker's latest book is
Ten Questions
The handbook for self coaching
"In this concise and engaging manual Dr. Phil Parker manages to deliver the key elements for creating change and managing the challenges of business and personal life.
The genius idea of this book is that it transforms these change concepts into simple, understandable, practical, universal Questions.
I highly recommend this book to everyone interested in personal and professional development and success."
Steve Andreas, Author, trainer and NLP pioneer
For information on how to order the book '10 Questions' http://www.philparker.org/