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By Phil Parker Do Dip E Hyp Psyc CMPNLP

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Making change natural.

In the last issue we looked at how we often avoid change, preferring the comfort of habitual behaviour, and how by embracing change we can have a powerfully positive influence on our well being, vitality and longevity. This time we’re going to look at how to manage change and especially how to help others that are affected by it deal with it successfully.

 

There’s a great series of books by Harriet Learner called “The dance of..(anger, intimacy, etc)” which highlights one of the common difficulties with change. It compares a relationship (and this can be any kind of relationship in any context, like at work, family, spouse or friend) to the partnership of a couple dancing in a ballroom dance. In this kind of dancing there are an agreed set of steps and moves, which the dancing partners repeat in order to make their dance work and to avoid stepping on each other’s toes. This is fine as long as both know the step and moves (=rules) and that both follow these agreed rules.

When an individual involved in a relationship changes it is like one of the dancing partners dancing a new series of steps or a whole new dance, without having told the other partner. Chaos ensues, often rapidly followed by the unchanged dancer trying to force the changed dancer back into the old routine. The unchanged dancer will try anything to get back to familiar territory, stopping the whole dance, sulking, getting cross, insisting the changed dancer is wrong, bringing in other “old style” dancers or maybe their original dance instructor to reinforce the wrongness of the changed dancer.

The more the changed dancer tries to dance his new dance the more charged the atmosphere becomes, the greater the obstacles that are put in his way, even to the point that he may be banned from the dance hall for getting in everyone’s way and trying to spoil everyone’s fun.

 You can see the relevance of this to how others often respond to change; cynicism, apathy, annoyance, pretending it’s not happening, forcing the changer to revert back to how they were.

This is especially likely to happen

• if you don’t include them in the change process and in the decisions
• if you don’t communicate with them

 

Minimising or preventing those unhelpful response to change will make life much easier. Think of it as taking them with you.

 

There are some key questions the new dancer could have asked himself before imposing his new dance routine on his partner. Consider how they relate to the change issues in your life….

How would his change affect the rest of the dance group; is their response something he would want?

Sometimes abrupt change is useful for shaking things up, disturbing the status quo, seeing what people are really committed to, starting revolutions… but more often than not this approach produces the strong reactions of “change back now!” as outlined above.

 

Clarify why he wanted to change. As he recognises the benefits of changing he can begin to consider which of these benefits will appeal to his partners, and which won’t. This puts him in the position of being able to keep his partners informed by highlighting the benefits of change and to address their concerns about change.

 

Consider the impact of not changing; What would be the likely consequences, both good and bad of not changing?

 

Now you are in a better position to create change that seems natural.

 The focus is less on you as an individual and more on the group as a whole, recognising that we are always part of a greater system and that our change will always have an impact on those we come into contact with. Your job during change is to assist the others, as well as your self, to accommodate and grow from the change process.

 

Communicating change.

Identifying the way people relate to the world can help you to avoid problems before they even begin and make change flow much easier. There are three very useful patterns to look at

 

 

1. Do they look at “change” in terms of

a.        Something to avoided

b.       Something to embraced

c.        Something in between

 Those in Group A will have obviously have a tendency to shy away from not only change but the word itself may make them feel quite nauseous or unsettled! Group B on the other hand is similarly more likely to embrace it.

However if you present the ‘change’ to the Group A as a further continuation of the path that they are already on, they will embrace it much more readily.

The key words continuation, the path, already appeal to their worldview and the change is seen in a more reassuring context.

Avoid words like change, downsize, cuts, breaks, abrupt halt.

Group C will prefer a mixture of words.

Group A will be annoyed by lack of change, or the mention of it; to them this equals dull, backwater, treading water, going backwards, being non creative.

 

2. Do they look at “things to do” in terms of

d.       a sequence, a set of rules or

e.        as a free form floating idea full of options and possibilities

 Those in Group D will have a tendency to shy away from change whilst the Group E is more likely to embrace it. However if you present the ‘change’ to the Group D as a series of orderly steps that are simple, practical, down to earth, calibrated, reliable, tested, they will embrace it much more readily.

The key words orderly steps, simple, practical, down to earth, calibrated, reliable, tested appeal to their worldview and the change is seen in a more reassuring context.

Group E will be dispirited by such words.

 

3. Are the motivated to do things by

f. what they would gain by doing it

g. what they can avoid by doing it

This is gives you important in formation as to how to balance the presentation of the benefits of changing against the disaster of not changing. Appealing to Group G by highlighting the benefits will not sway them much, but focusing on what they might loose out on will.

Equally, pointing out the dangers of a project to Group F will bore them, and they may mark you out as a pessimistic, stick in the mud- negative thinker!

 

 

So to summarise;

Consider

• Change as a natural process
• That not everyone may have the same understanding of the importance of this change as you do
• That if it is communicated about in a way which is sensitive to the recipients of that communication world view
• And if this is done before the change is implemented

it may seem as if nothing dramatic or upsetting has happened, that old style of things just seemed to evolved in to something new, naturally.

 

 

 

© Phil Parker

Phil Parker is based in London and works throughout the UK and Europe as a keynote speaker, executive coach, trainer, hypnotherapist, osteopath and healer. You can contact him at phil@hyp.no.com and visit the Communication and Change Consultancy at www.hyp.no.com to discover how they can help you and your organisation become everything you can be.

Phil Parker’s latest book is

Ten Questions

that will change the world

·         A dynamic new approach to achieving real and lasting success in your relationships, work environment, creative endeavours and just about every other aspect of your life.

·         Built around a powerful yet simple to use system, which guides you step by step through the process of discovering the world’s most potent Questions.

·         These questions are some of the most powerful tools on the planet, collected from many of the major teachings in personal and spiritual development, business and hostage negotiation, psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, NLP and precision communication; they are the cutting edge technology of personal mastery.

·         Knowing what these Ten Questions are, and discovering precisely how and when to use them will create extraordinary easy transformations in your life and change your world.

The author Phil Parker is internationally renown lecturer, therapist and innovator in the field of personal development; his training as a Hypnotherapist, Conflict negotiator, Certified master practitioner of NLP, Osteopath and Healer give this book a unique perspective which provides new solutions to meet the challenges and opportunities of life in the 21^st century.

For information on how to pre order the book “10 Questions that will change the world”, mail bookemdanno@hyp.no.com